I DARE You To Impress Me

I remember the days when people waited for months with a rumor under their arms, hoping that when the official press conference reveal came, it would be even more spectacular then they could ever imagine.

Those days are long gone. Maybe it’s because of “leaks” which may or may not be accidental, depending where you reside on the scale of paranoia, or gossipy forum dwellers who’s speculation builds on each other’s wish lists until some kind of hyped-up uber-golem is constructed. Worst of all, though, is the “OMG YOU’RE GOING TO WET YOURSELF!” proclamations from the PR department of the parent company in the run-up to the Big Reveal.

Yesterday, Facebook announced 1 on 1 video chat. I’ll defer to more learned scribes on this matter, but for a more specific example, I’ll refer to  Apple. Remember when the bi-annual Apple announcements were awesome? Remember when live bloggers had as many “Oh wow”s as Jobs has jeans and turtlenecks? Now there’s more snark in a single live event column then exists in the entire Internet to this day. Sounds impossible, but the Internet, like an Apple product, is “magical”.

The real sad point isn’t that we’re disappointed. To me, it’s that these companies think we’re scratching at their door because we’re eager for the privilege of peeing on their shiny new hydrants. Facebook’s video chat announcement rings hollow because last week Google Plus opened to a limited audience and brought with it the Hangout – a 10 person audio/video conference tour de force which makes Facebook’s announcement sound like a deflating bike tire in a windstorm. Same with Apple’s Holy Proclamations. “We have added copy and paste! Multitasking! The things that older, crappier mobile OS’s like Windows Mobile had 10 years ago!” It’s really a non-event, but they’re forced to do this dog and pony show, pretending that they’ve uncovered the existence of some Supreme Being that they’re sharing with us, all so the shareholders will have something to rub one out to when they get home. Meanwhile, to the consumers – the people they’re trying to sell these things too – are cringing in embarrassment.

Homer (singing and shuffling while chained to the lawn chair): Dancing away my hunger pangs. Moving my feet so my stomach won't hurt. I'm kind of like Jesus, but not in the sacrilegious way ...
Moe (to Carl): Man, he's really losing it.